Another week, another Formula 1 animal. The 2023 season has actually seen nature intervene a handful of times, allowing the camera operators to pretend they're filming David Attenborough documentaries. Well, it beats actually watching the races this season, doesn't it?
Just as a number of the animals are simply giving in to their natural urges to be little guys, we're going to give in to the sportswriter's natural urge to rank things.
What you're about to read is a 1-16 seeding of the very best F1 animals, before we pit them against each other (in votes on Twitter! Making animals fight each other is wrong, that is the official stance of GPFans on the matter) to find the ultimate F1 animal.
Let's read the scouting reports, shall we?
The Also-Rans
#16: Two 'Suicidal' Seagulls [Canada 2016]
Strengths: There's two of them, and they had an impact on the race
Weaknesses: Nobody in recorded history has liked a seagull
Canada is absolutely the biggest hotbed of F1 animal shenanigans, but the general fare is...is it fair to say 'cuter' than this? It is, in fact, fair to say that. Two seagulls plonked themselves down on the racing line in the first corner as Sebastian Vettel was arriving and, consummate eco-warrior he is, he locked up and didn't hit them. He did lose the race though, not least because this allowed Lewis Hamilton to gain on him.
The Dutch Grand Prix weekend wasn't a happy one for Mercedes, with some questions being asked about their strategy decisions in changing conditions.
Toto's response? "It is the communications between drivers, pit wall, strategy, weather frog, and then all of us taking decisions."
Unfortunately, the Mercedes team don't employ an amphibian meteorologist. It comes from a German phrase, 'Wetterfrosch', which is used to refer to weather forecasters – although the word does trace its roots back to actual frogs. A Google rabbit hole for you to lose yourselves down later.
#14: Canada Squirrel [2012]
Strengths: Small, hard to hit, squirrels are great
Weaknesses: Clearly a proper idiot, like the one in your friend group at school you're pretty sure you could convince to eat a snail off the pavement 'cos it's what they do in France'
This thing was all but doing cartoon pirouettes with question marks floating above its head. Remember: all squirrels are government drones, and this one must've had a particularly dozy operator.
#13: Godzilla Jr. [Singapore 2023]
Strengths: Bigger than most lizards, agile, great lineage
Weaknesses: Still kinda small for a monitor lizard, big expectations because of their family
Defending the family name at the 2023 edition of the Singapore race, Godzilla Jr. showed up to cause a yellow flag in the very first practice session of the weekend. Noticeably smaller than his notional parent, he was in and out pretty quickly. But boy, did he open the floodgates...
We'll get our first sighting of these in Japan, where Vettel is installing 11 hives behind Turn 2. Why? Well that'd bee telling, honey.
Sebeestian Vettel. Thanks.
#BILD info: Sebastian Vettel will build eleven bee hives in Japan. They will all be placed behind Turn 2 in Suzuka. He will (with the help of a Japanese carpenter) help build them himself. #f1#formula1#SingaporeGP#BILD
Strengths: Fantastic speed and instincts, very wriggly
Weaknesses: Anyone else remember this? Didn't think so
The 2012 edition of the Canadian Grand Prix was a great one for the animal lovers, with multiple critters and – most importantly – none of them getting collected by 600kg of carbon fibre and metal. We checked with a vet, and animals hate that, it's super bad for them.
The little fox trotted across the track without a care in the world during a practice session, before flattening itself in one move to slide into one of the little holes in the track's barrier. Stylish, chic, iconic.
The Outsiders
#10: Your own pet that you watch F1 with [????]
Strengths: You love them, probably
Weaknesses: Definitely wouldn't notice if you died, as long as someone kept feeding them
Fine. You caught us. We came up with 15 different F1 animals and realised that we needed 16 for a proper tournament bracket, so we're cheating.
Anecdote: A recently deceased cat in the GPFans family spent two years yelling at the dishwasher when he was hungry, because it was near the cupboard his food was in. Just profoundly stupid. Not a single brain cell.
Weaknesses: Small, would probably get rocked in a fight with most of the others here
Not much to add here. Look at her!!!!! Who DID let that dog out?
Important Pupdate!! Remember our visitor from FP2? She’s been found (thanks to @Bahrain_Rescues) and is now in the amazing care of @BSPCA_BH. Been checked by the vet and she’s doing well. Anyone got an idea for a name? @f1? 🐕 pic.twitter.com/HbYJICW75E
The second lizard to hit the track in FP1 at Marina Bay in 2023, but the first to be hit. By Fernando Alonso, as it happened, leaving a marshal hanging the yellow and red striped 'slippery surface' flag. While you'd hope that's maybe just because the lizard panicked and peed in the pants it wasn't wearing...it probably wasn't, was it?
Small sub-note on this one – it was pointed out by the editorial team that while we couldn't call Alonso a murderer on the website for this ('libel laws' and all that), the dead have no protection against libel.
As such, we have no such concerns about Deadzilla suing us (also, monitor lizards make awful lawyers) so we can say with impunity: that lizard shot JFK, was a key player in the January 6th insurrection in the US, and was probably a war criminal.
Weaknesses: Can't tell which cars are which, cos of the colour blindness
There were two pooches on track in practice for the 2011 Indian Grand Prix, which were stopped from coming back when race organisers blocked 'canine entry points'. Seems like a bit of an oversight to have dog doors in your circuit in the first place, but maybe that's why GPFans has never been asked to host an F1 race.
Strengths: Magical properties related to the weather, time loops and Bill Murray's love life
Weaknesses: Either have a collective death wish or are just really, properly thick. Coyote urine
Your guess is as good as ours as to why groundhogs only seem to show up in Montreal on an eight-year cycle, but it seems like we're okay...for now.
A messy coming-together with one of the furry little invaders stopped Anthony Davidson from getting his first F1 points in '07, while in '15 one survived a near-miss while being passed by Felipe Massa, Pastor Maldonado and Sebastian Vettel in the race itself. That's right, Pastor Maldonado found something he couldn't crash into.
Apparently the organisers spray the perimeter walls with coyote urine to discourage them. It doesn't...seem to work.
No, Max Versteppen's cats aren't actually called Lewis and Toto. They're called Jimmy and Sassy! And sometimes they get stuck inside locked cupboards, because cats are incredibly resourceful – but exclusively in situations where they have the chance to do the most annoying thing possible.
— Team Super Max 1️⃣🦁🧡🏆👑💪🇳🇱 (@1MaxVerstappen) May 14, 2023
Tournament Favourites
#3: Godzilla [Singapore 2016]
Strengths: A pre-historic beast awoken by nuclear radiation. Atomic breath. Amphibious. Regeneration. Can't be killed by anything less than a nuclear blast, or...also a nuclear blast
Weaknesses: Not really the Godzilla detailed above
King of the monsters Singapore Grand Prix monitor lizards! The original and best, Max Verstappen nearly ran into Godzilla at the Singapore Grand Prix back in 2016, he and his race engineer giving the huge reptile its name over team radio.
Strengths: Had the power to bestow good OR bad luck
Weaknesses: ????????????
Being blessed by the Imola Cat – Formulino to their friends – was a delight to all in the paddock, and famously gave good luck to anyone they decided was worthy of their attention at a race weekend.
That was, until Sebastian Vettel had a run-in on camera in 2020. “I don’t like cats,” said the alleged eco-warrior. “I have nothing to offer it. He’s a bit overweight though, maybe because there hasn’t been much racing lately.”
The German put his Ferrari 14th on the grid and finished just 12th. Lesson learned.
GP CANADA
7 - 9 Jun
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21 - 23 Jun
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28 - 30 Jun
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5 - 7 Jul
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19 - 21 Jul
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26 - 28 Jul
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23 - 25 Aug
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30 Aug - 1 Sep
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13 - 15 Sep
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20 - 22 Sep
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18 - 20 Oct
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25 - 27 Oct
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1 - 3 Nov
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29 Nov - 1 Dec
GP ABU DHABI
6 - 8 Dec
Gulf Air Grand Prix of Bahrain 2024
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