It's Love Island season, baby! The show might've dropped off a little since its heyday, when all you could see on Twitter was tweets about drama in the villa or that one montage of England's penalty shootout against Colombia with The National playing over it, as opposed to...whatever you can see now, when you're not rate limited. Something about Barbie, probably.
Anyway, Love Island. What if, instead of teams using the summer break to 'improve their cars' or other nerd stuff like that, they sent all the drivers out to an island – a Love Island, if you will – and did like they do on the show. Call it a Drive to Survive bonus series. Wive to Survive? Netflix probably have a names person.
If they did do that – and they absolutely should do that – here's how it might go. In roughly the order they'd be kicked off the show, we start with...
Weaknesses: Has absolutely no intention of being on this show
There's no race simulators in the villa. There isn't even a single gaming chair. The only reason to keep a camera on Max at all is to see just how fast he scales a wall and runs away.
Oscar Piastri
Strengths: Cheerful little guy
Weaknesses: He is child age
Sorry Oscar, but you're about 12 years old. Your passport says 22 but that's 22 in Australian Years, which work on a sort of reverse cat years system on account of being upside down. Anyway, you'd still be the baby of the group in normal human years so – you're getting an early exit.
Weaknesses: Not all of that life experience is good
In the most respectful way possible, Checo has big Divorced Dad energy. That may be a thing for some of you, and it's valid, and you're valid, but that is absolute Love Island poison. The younger lads will go to him for what turns out to be very, very bad advice.
Nico Hulkenberg
Strengths: Definitely a man who exists
Weaknesses: There is almost nothing interesting about him
Has a fairly piercing gaze, but in the 'this man suspects that I'm the real killer' way rather than 'wow, he can see into my soul' way. Which is not a turn-on.
Logan Sargeant
Strengths: Nice jawline, haircut you could set your watch by
Weaknesses: Florida
Logan Sargeant feels like a very nice boy, but nobody's seen a great deal of his personality yet and...well, Florida innit. You've got to ask some searching questions.
Weaknesses: Doesn't really fit the villa aesthetic
If this was Love Forest, KMag would probably be one of the favourites. It's Love Island though, and his whole beardy Danish thing just isn't going to play as well. Serious sunburn candidate.
A lovely young man. A very pretty young man! But like...that perma-smile and the fact he'd fit in your pocket make him a prime 'shoulder to cry on' candidate, not a coupling candidate. Sorry Yuki. You'll find the future restaurant co-owner of your dreams one day!
Everyone's favourite Monegasque will come in, be immediately charming and handsome at people, end up beset by potential matches, then end up covered in blood because he's accidentally headbutted someone in the nose going in for a kiss. So, a mixed bag.
One thing we know for sure? Nando would never head into the diary room to spill what he's really thinking about anything. Everything would be sly little winks and nods about things that may or may not be happening. Taylor who?
Try to think of one thing you know about Carlos Sainz. His...dad was a rally driver? Apparently he broke up with his partner recently? Handsome man, but please do something interesting soon, for the love of god.
Note: After the first draft of this I've been reliably informed that Carlos Sainz 'is goofy' and 'loves breakfast', so make of that what you will
Zhou Guanyu
Strengths: Fantastic fashion sense
Weaknesses: Not a very big name
Forget Lewis Hamilton. Zhou Guanyu is the best dressed man on the F1 grid, and it's borderline criminal that this doesn't get acknowledged more. Great smile, super cool demeanour and getting fits off left, right and centre? Breakout star of the series, surely.
Lewis Hamilton
Strengths: High standards
Weaknesses: High standards
Speak of the devil...Lewis is obviously doing well at the villa. He's got the style, he's got the moves, and he posts enough thirst traps that we know he's got a great rig too. The only thing is, anyone who wants to link with him knows he's dated a Pussycat Doll, and hangs out with Shakira all the time. It's a bit intimidating, isn't it?
Not afraid to say it! Pierre Gasly is hot! He's got great hair, he seems like he's a lot of fun, he speaks three languages and he's good mates with at least one other driver so you know he's not completely insufferable! Just keep it PG-13 when the cameras are rolling, eh? Y'know, cos of his initials? And the film rating that means you can't get too spicy? Yeah, you get it.
On the off-chance that somebody around the paddock reads this, or that Lando is ego-surfing, I need to know what he uses in his hair to keep it that bouncy and curly all the time. It's not right that you can get out of a 200mph marvel of engineering, take your helmet off and not have helmet hair. I am on my knees begging, for everyone else out there with glorious, curly hair, what Lando Norris' hair regime is. Please.
Look at Danny Ric, listen to him. This is a man who will absolutely, unquestionable flirt with every single person in the villa. The man has levels of rizz (is that the right use of rizz? It's a very TikTok word, isn't it) hitherto unseen on the modern F1 grid. He's going to charm everyone effortlessly – but it remains to be seen whether he's learned to keep it together when someone makes him their second choice.
Alex Albon
Strengths: Tall, name means he's always at the top of your contacts list
Weaknesses: Bit too posh? Also the thing where driving rips his skin open
You're not going to get any sort of rational answer here, because I – me, writing this piece, shamelessly breaking the fourth wall, and with it the implied agreement between writer and reader that I won't insert myself into what you're reading for the second time – don't understand it. But I can't deny it. Alex Albon is hot and I don't know why. Alex Albon is hot and everything I thought about F1 is in tatters. Alex Albon is hot and god is dead.
It's all about attitude, isn't it? Valtteri will win Love Island relaxing by the pool in a baggy vest and shorts, occasionally sinking a stubby, and quirking one eyebrow in response to the chaotic man-children around him. And everyone will love him for it. Valtteri Bottas is the apex of modern masculinity in F1, and he will leave the villa with a tan and another partner.
GP MONACO
24 - 26 May
GP CANADA
7 - 9 Jun
GP SPAIN
21 - 23 Jun
GP AUSTRIA
28 - 30 Jun
GP GREAT BRITAIN
5 - 7 Jul
GP HUNGARY
19 - 21 Jul
GP BELGIUM
26 - 28 Jul
GP NETHERLANDS
23 - 25 Aug
GP ITALY
30 Aug - 1 Sep
GP AZERBAIJAN
13 - 15 Sep
GP SINGAPORE
20 - 22 Sep
GP USA
18 - 20 Oct
GP MEXICO
25 - 27 Oct
GP BRAZIL
1 - 3 Nov
GP QATAR
29 Nov - 1 Dec
GP ABU DHABI
6 - 8 Dec
Gulf Air Grand Prix of Bahrain 2024
Gulf Air Grand Prix of Bahrain 2024 
Saudi Arabian Grand Prix 2024 
Grand Prix of Australia 2024 
MSC Cruises Grand Prix of Japan 2024 
Grand Prix of China 2024 
Innovatieweg 20C